I am having more drama in my personal life, thankfully this is limited to one person, but still I'd much rather have none. It feels as if my life is this nice calm, mirror looking surface lake (an exciting and awesome one at that but still peaceful and serene) but this person just loves to come and make waves. I mean giant, nasty white capped sorta waves. You get the picture.
I know I should retreat to the always silent and still waters available deep below but I tend to get right up in those waves and kick and scream and fight back. Hmm or maybe I need to find a floatation device of some kind so I can learn to ride them out without having to hide. Interesting idea.
When these waves get to churning it makes me want to work even harder on my writing. Not in the inspiring kind of way of a story line or anything but it makes me want to succeed. Since the waves have everything to do with my future and security I want to work at succeeding. I want to tear into my manuscript and revise the hell out of it (thanks to my new fantastic critique circle I have the feedback to do it).
I don't know about others but there are two sides to my goals when it comes to writing and one is becoming a published author. Now before that comes across wrong, let me say that when I write I don't plan my story according to this. I write from the heart and worry about whether or not it will appeal to enough people to be worthy of being published. Still, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting this. I didn't sit down one day and say "hey let me write a book so I can make some money!" No way. The idea that I might earn money from writing came later and I have to say that I like the idea. That would give me the lifestyle I have come adore- raising my son myself and having the ability to decide how I spend my days. I know it isn't all peaches and cream when you become an actual author and success nor wealth is not guaranteed but is sure as hell doesn't hurt to try. People accomplish this and who is to say I can't get there someday.
I have seen people I deeply admire carve out a living doing what they love. An art teacher I had lives and breathes her art, painting and teaching art, when she could easily have a "day job" while doing what she loved on the side. Millions of people do it. Its hard work to achieve that but people do it. And since I currently have the life I desire in so many aspects I want to maintain it. I want to do what I love and have it sustain me. Whats the worst thing that happens? I try and don't make it. So I go and get a full time job if I have to. But at least I tried...
I have read soooo many articles and such that tell you its nearly impossible to be a full time writer, that most published authors must continue to work even when they enjoy success. Well of course they do. ( I don't at all mean to disrespect those that have to balance the two!) There is every imaginable scenario happening out there right now. People are living life, breathing and writing and chasing their dreams in every shape and form and some find it harder than others. But since I know for a fact there are those out there that have found the destination I desire, I know its possible. How can you be a fiction writer and not believe in that? If we can write about dragons, living in space, saving the world and all that glorious stuff - we sure as hell have to believe anything is possible when it comes to real life. You have to believe that you can get there, that you can have what you truly, deeply believe in your heart. You have to work for it because no one will do it for you. This of course runs far deeper than getting your work published. It's life in general. You can have absolutely anything in life you desire if your motives are pure, the problem is we give up too soon. (please read The Traveler's Gift for a life changing view on this notion...wow)
And so...all these waves stir me up and get me good and mad but they also drive me to be more, do more, for me to find a way to be the person I want my son to look up to. I want to live my dream so that he can see its possible. I want to provide a secure and balanced and joyful life full of love and though I can do much of that without a single cent I need some money for other parts. I hear this person tell me often that my head is up in the clouds. I'm proud of that because I can see the sun from there, way above all the dark ominous storm clouds he is sending in. I am practical when I need to be and I have no problem should I need to return to a 9-5 but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to accomplish what my heart and soul are telling me.